Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
