sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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