She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
we're making bets on your personal life
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
