Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
