The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
