I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
