Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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