As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
