It's like a parade of train wrecks.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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