ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
