A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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