The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
