she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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