I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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