im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I wear drunk well.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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