If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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