worst night to have a conscience
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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