you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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