your thong is hanging out like whoa
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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