My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
