I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
