just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize