if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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