This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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