Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
