No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize