just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just found puke in my bra..
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
