I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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