Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
