Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize