What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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