i need an iv and a liver transplant
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
