Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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