so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
