We're facebook friends in real life
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
