I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
