if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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