I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
