this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
