Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
