All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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