Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
