Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
