Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize