I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
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