So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
