who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
