We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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