My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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