I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
