this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
