I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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