just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
