Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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