you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
