I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize