I wish I only lived at night.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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