fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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