And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
