At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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