It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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