we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
