I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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