I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
