feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize