So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
