you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize